Kendall Smith, No-Div
Kendall is an elementary science teacher and an avid lover of books, nature, and long walks. She is easily distracted by thunderstorms and loves a good conversation over coffee.
“Those who believe they believe in God, but without passion in the heart, without anguish of mind, without uncertainty, without doubt, and even at times without despair, believe only in the idea of God, and not in God himself.” -Madeleine L’Engle
Back in December I wrote an instagram post about how I felt unusually close to God during the month of December. It was one of the most beautiful seasons I have experienced. My times in the pre-dawn quiet were rich and sweet and meaningful. But as March turned into April, which turned into May, rather than feeling God’s Very Real Presence, I felt like my prayer life and my praise life had become stagnant. It was during one Sunday morning walk that I was praying for God to minister to me. Show me who You are! Help me to feel Your Presence! Remind me of Your Faithfulness! I came around a corner and found that giant cottonwood tree, standing tall as usual. One robin sat perched on a branch, calling out his morning song. A second later, another robin, perched in a tree across the street, echoed his response. As I walked this stretch of road, my chacos clomp, clomp, clomping, I was encouraged by the song of the birds. Their sunrise song sang back and forth the entire time I was within range. And I was struck by the picture: Sometimes, I feel like those birds--joining and shouting my praise to the Creator. But that morning, their antiphonal worship lifted praise for me, as my posture was the plodding along of reservation. Does God love me? How does God minister to me? If God is real, shouldn’t I feel differently?
There are some seasons where Venus wakes us up to God’s goodness and beauty each morning, our souls bursting with praise. But there are also seasons where doubt and struggle seem to be our daily bread. And the breadcrumbs which feed my soul seem spaced too far apart, but continue to lead my wandering soul back to God nonetheless.
One of these breadcrumbs has been Madeleine L’Engle’s “Walk on Water” book where she writes about art and faith. In it, she circles around the ideas of art and beauty, faith and doubt, and science and theology. She shares that she “...had to learn the faithfulness of doubt. This is often assumed by the judgmental to be faithlessness, but it is not; it is a prerequisite for a living faith.”
I think we need to be better at being honest about living a life following Jesus. It is good and beautiful and, I believe, the best way to live. But that doesn’t mean it always feels good and beautiful. Our experience isn’t always the closeness that I felt last December. Sometimes we join with the robins and sing our praise willingly and honestly. But sometimes, we have seasons where we need to borrow that hope. I’m thankful for friends and family who have lent me hope and faith in different seasons in my life where I wasn’t able to do that for myself. And I trust that, at times, I have been able to lend some of my hope and trust in Jesus to others who were struggling.
I think that’s partly why I love being out in nature. The birds never seem to have an off day. The flowers respond with beautiful blooms throughout their growing season. The sunsets are new every evening. The robins were the reminder I needed that walking with God, in the words of Eugene Peterson, is “a long obedience in the same direction”. No matter what season you find yourself in, my prayer for you is this:
That you would see the Breadcrumbs of God’s Faithfulness leading you steadily;
That you would be surrounded by those who lovingly support and encourage you, lending faith and hope when yours is lacking;
That you would have ears to hear and eyes to see the Goodness of God in Creation;
And that you would have the courage to be honest and compassionate with yourself when you don’t.
God’s heart towards us doesn’t change. It is always a love which pursues, heals, and restores. And if you need a reminder of that, go for a long, slow walk and pay careful attention to the robins.