I still remember my first wrestling-with-God question.  It was during my preteen years when I was young and naive and the world still mostly made sense.   I was reading in Exodus that God, in speaking to Moses about rescuing His people, the Israelites, would “harden Pharaoh’s heart…” and I got this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.  I’d heard this story many times and seen the pictures: the blood-red Nile River, the frogs, the locusts, the boils, ending with the death of the firstborn.  But this phrase jumped out at me as if I’d never read it before--how could God harden Pharaoh’s heart?  In that moment, there grew this seed of doubt: is God really good?  Can I trust Him?  That little question grew into a fear--if God hardened Pharaoh’s heart, could He also harden mine?  What if I was trying to do good and follow God but his purpose was for me to be hardened?  I needed to ask someone who knew more than me...

 My dad (who was a young pastor, at the time) sat on the blue couch in our living room while the sun streamed in.  I decided to voice this question aloud.  I had to.  Questions have a way of sticking around...and as much as I was afraid to ask it, my poor tormented soul had to know.  So I sat down on the floor in front of my dad and went for it.  “Dad?  What does it mean that God hardened Pharaoh’s heart?”  And he answered as best he could.  I remember feeling better--it helped to have an answer, and saying it aloud helped to take away the shame of my fear.  And I knew and loved my dad--so if he could follow this God, then I was going to keep at it, too.  

That “wondering” was the first of mine.  But it certainly wasn’t the last.  In fact, the more I read the Bible, the more questions developed.  Maybe I’m just naturally skeptical--but it seemed like I was the only one wondering things.  The Job story seemed too clean-cut for me--I mean, does he really get back all of his blessings and more?  Did Satan approach God regarding Job or was that imagery?  Did a donkey really talk?  The flood story...two of each animal on earth?  That seemed hard to believe.  And sin?!?!  Why in the world did God create a world that included sin?  Couldn’t He have just started over?  Or created a perfect world without the possibility of sin?  These questions don’t have easy answers.  And this isn’t an exhaustive list of my wonderings.  I bet you have your own you could add to the list.  

I still don’t have a neat and clean answer to my first question.  But I am realizing, through all of my wrestling and wondering, that answers aren’t really what I’m looking for.  Oddly enough, the wrestling is like a gateway into the Presence of an incredible, wonder-ful God.  And I’m finding a God who is far more beautiful and holy than I ever knew before.  So I press on in wonder.